Bullying Incident (by LS, P5, Draft 2)

Bullying Incident by LS, P5, 2nd Draft

          The canteen was as packed as sardines. Pupils were scattered everywhere The parade square was full of pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their on tete-a-tete.

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty of sweeping the floor. The fun was beckoning to me to join them, however, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However, a few minutes later, a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor.

          However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear into even grown men. I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me.

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility. Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight.

          As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash I had. The meager amount incited the wrath. They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach.

          A few minutes later, Mr Tan arrived in the nick of time. I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies, whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads.

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me. This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Thank you LS for your composition! There's an improvement in your content organization! Keep it up! Here are some suggestions how you might want to improve the composition.

         The canteen was as packed as sardines (√). Pupils were scattered everywhere at the play area playing catch or taking a stroll. The parade square was full of teeming with pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their own tete-a-tete (√) . The school grounds radiated sheer energy as the pupils made full use of their short-lived freedom, before the imminent school bell jolts them back to reality. (1)

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty, of sweeping the floor, in an empty classroom. The fun outside was beckoning to me, like the aroma of deep-fried chicken wings / freshly-baked bread , to join my friends at play.  However, Unfortunately, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However(2) Suddenly, a few minutes later, the lights went out and the fans stopped turning. a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor. While I was deciding if I should join my friends for soccer or to fill my rumbling stomach, the lights went on again. However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear even into grown men(√). I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero(√) and I shuddered as the fear seeped through my skin and grazed my bones. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me. (√)

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility (√). " Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight. I felt the hair at the back of my neck cringe. As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash that I had. The meager amount incited the wrath (√). They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach (√). (3) Just when the leader was about to administer another of his excruciating kicks on my back, I heard a shout, " Stop it right now!"

          Mr Tan, my form teacher, and a few other teachers had arrived in at the nick of time. Someone passing by the classroom saw what was going on and had alerted the teachers. Between painful coughs and gasps for air, I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies (4). The bullies, whom by then, had been subdued by a few male teachers, were sweating like hogs and trembling like leaves whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads. The boys

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded punished. while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me immediate medical attention. My injuries took months to heal but I still have recurrent nightmares of that fateful day.  This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Comments

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your obvious improvement. I think you had have made tremendous effort to improve your paragraphing and also made conscious effort to link your story more coherently. Applause!

Being an above-average writer, you have been more adventurous with your choice of words. Keep experimenting! I hope my comments and feedback can help you fine-tune your writing skills and I look forward to your next composition!

(1) The first paragraph sets the scene aptly in contrast with what is about to be revealed in the rest of the story. Good! I'd add a tad more description to strengthen the happy and lively atmosphere to contrast with the gloom of being bullied.

(2) 'However' has been used thrice in this composition!

(3) There is a lapse here. What happened between being punched and when Mr Tan arrived? (By the way, who is Mr Tan?) Suggestion in red...

(4) I think the writer will be too weak to peer at anyone...

Note: 

a) The composition was submitted with a picture but I have problems uploading it.

b) LS is an above-average writer and my comments are intended to help him kick up the notch and jazz up his work.